You’ve never known true disappointment until you’ve been bamboozled by a red bean bun. In many East Asian cuisines, the red bean, or adzuki bean as it is also known, will be boiled and mashed into a paste and then sweetened with honey or sugar. This paste is then used in various ways, including partnered with bread to make the red bean bun. In this post I will let you walk in my shoes as I tell you a tale of a dark night, properly utilized limited Mandarin vocabulary, and a six pack of blog-inspiring baked goods.

 

 

The Legume Laden Liar  

You walk into a Chinese bakery ooh-ing and ah-ing at the scores of carb-loaded delicacies in front of you. You’ve made a couple of questionable decisions here in the past but you, a hardened and wise expat of a year and three months, won’t be fooled again. Thoughtfully, you select a bag of what looks like six buns with a chocolate center. For a moment you wonder if it is actually red bean, as it has been before in other shops. Confidently, you bust out some of the only Chinese you can remember at the moment:

You: “这是巧克力吗?” (Is this chocolate?)

Cashier: *says something in Mandarin*

You stare blankly at her for a beat, searching for words.

You: “…这是巧克力吗?” (…is this chocolate?)

Cashier: *repeats original statement in Mandarin and gestures to other pastries*

The meaning of the gesture registers faintly. Unfortunately, freshly out of bakery vocabulary, you decide to take your chances.

You gesture to the first suspicious bag of treats. “多少钱？” (How much is it?)

Cashier: “12块.”

You momentarily forget your chocolate/red bean dilemma as you bask in the glory of having understood the price in Mandarin and proudly drop the exact amount into the cashier’s outstretched palm. You return to the smoggy night air to complete your walk home and decide to crack open the bag of goodies right then and there.

It looks like a bun. It looks like chocolate. It doesn’t smell like chocolate…but maybe your nose is too occupied processing the hazy, polluted air.

You take a bite…

You chew thoughtfully for a moment…

Something is wrong…

This is not the bun you were looking for.  

It is a red bean bun.

AKA the Baked Bluffer.

AKA the Carbohydrate Counterfeiter.

AKA the Legume. Laden. Liar.

You think back on other assumptions you’ve made about food in China and wonder what went wrong. Like that other time at the bakery when you bought what looked like a nice, custard filled donut that ended up being jam packed with pork floss (finely shredded, sweetened and dried pork). Or the other, other time when you thought you bought chocolate soymilk, only to be greeted by some sort of bitter “black soybean” beverage. Or that other, other, other time when you ordered what you thought were pork and cabbage dumplings…and turned out to be filled to the brim with shrimp and corn. Additionally, your thoughts and prayers go out to the friends that have bit into a chocolate bar only to find it was made entirely of dried seaweed.

In the midst of this trip down culinary memory lane, you realize you’ve almost finished your red bean bun. You wonder…could it possibly be? Could you really be enjoying this deceitful delicacy?

You decide, no, you don’t love it. But you don’t hate it. And as it is still bread after all, you accept the facts of your purchase and finish the bun as you walk in the door of your apartment. You walk into your room, fire up your laptop to type up a blog post, and without noticing the irony…

You have a second red bean bun.